It feels like I have been on this road for longer than I actually have and I don’t know when it will end.  That is the most frustrating part of it all.

I can tell you that rest has not been a part of this journey.  I guess I should be able to say that I have “rested” from running, but that isn’t completely accurate.  Every couple of days I make an attempt to run.  It usually ends in failure.  Yesterday was one of those days, but I was able to do more than I expected.  I walked mostly, but jogged some.  I managed to go for 6 miles using that walk/run method that I so much despised before all of this happened.  Now it is a blessing.  I feel a sense of success when I am moving through the “run” (okay, let’s call it a jog) phase of the method.  A car passes by and I know they are thinking “look at that runner, I wish I was running right now.”  The pleasant feeling only lasts about a tenth of a mile before I back off and start walking again.  I know that when I feel any pain that I must stop.  If I feel pain in my leg then that means my disc is pushing against my nerve.  That means that I am not helping the heeling process.  I am probably part of the reason why this road seems to continue on forever.

When I don’t feel pain I am unstoppable.  I will squat, lunge, chest press, curl, etc.  If my physical therapist tells me not to use a bar on my back for squats, then I use the same amount of weight in dumbbells along my side.  If my physical therapist demonstrates strengthening exercises, then I do those exercises every day.  Of course, when they give me more, I add it to my routine.  When I am told to use the ARC machine at the gym (something similar to a cross between an elliptical and a stair climber) I make sure I am sweating bullets by the time I get off.  If I am not told to do something, then I do it.  Maybe they don’t realize that they need to give me a list of every activity, movement and exercise I shouldn’t be doing…

So, is this helping or hurting?  Not sure.  Some days I feel so great that I think I could run 3 miles without walking.  Funny enough, these are usually the days after I have exercised in the morning.  Other days I feel like I am hurting just when I walk around the house.  And yes, these days usually happen after a period of minimal activity.  I don’t know what it means, but I am thinking that it is better to exercise than to sit around and wait.  Not only can I not bear the thought of sitting around, but I would undoubtedly fall into a state of depression that can only be cured through exercise (I know this to be a fact).

And they appear to think that part of my problem is a lack of strength in my core and glutes (it seems ironic that a fitness enthusiast would be told that she doesn’t exercise enough).  So, I have been burning my butt muscles on a daily basis.  And wouldn’t you know it, I can actually feel a tightening in my tummy.  I nearly have total confidence when wearing a 2-piece bathing suit (just the damn stretch marks I can’t get rid of).  Is it helping my back?  Not sure, but at least I am getting more fit trying!

Okay body.  So if I can’t run, then I won’t run.  I have pretty much excepted that.  I won’t give up, but I will keep myself entertained in other ways.  The day will come when this road will end and a new one will begin.